a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
