grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
