eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
