Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize