so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
