i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
