I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Found your dick twin last night
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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