If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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