I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
