yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think your dad took our porno
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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