that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize