This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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