I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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