I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
