i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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