is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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