we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize