3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
