I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Green mimosas i think yes
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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