Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just threw up on my dentist
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
