Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
