So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize