Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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