My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
