There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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