so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
