He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize