I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
