She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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