and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
smell my finger.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
