Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
