JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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