nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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