the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
