that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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