I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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