you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
