I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
