Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
