Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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