I would go down on you faster than GM stock
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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