She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
