I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
