I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize