In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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