The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize