I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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