I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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