Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
