The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
