Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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