The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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