the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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