did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I want a musical about memes.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
