You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
