I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
