btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
