Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
