Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize